Reflection

Today is one year to the day I lost my mom to an ugly battle with lung cancer. This lost has left such a void in my life. Sometimes the pain of the void stops me dead in my tracks. It feels as if someone has punched me in my chest and taken my breath away. The blunt force of this trauma has left a crack in my heart. In the midst of reflecting on what this last year has been like without her, I stumbled across a poem I had written when I first found out my mom had stage 4 lung cancer and I’d like to share it with you as you sip coffee with me:

Window To My Soul

Open my blinds or my curtains…what would you see?
You would discover what is truly inside of me.

Come closer to my window, feel free to peak in side.
My feelings are intense and I feel no need to hide.

At first glance you would see a playful scenery,
but no quick glance could reveal what’s deep inside of me.

With blinds wide open and curtains pulled apart,
you would see a little girl at Cedar Point amusement park.

As strange as it may seem, this is a familiar place
one she and her family visited often putting a smile upon her face.

As we married and multiplied this annual trip kept us united,
with enthusiasm and much planning we still remained excited.

As time went on our families grew and we drifted apart.
I often wondered could it be the limited capacity of the heart?

Well here we are again, reunited and close…ahhh
these familiar feelings is what I remember the most.

Their smiles their faces
as I step into familiar spaces.

Bumper cars, merry go rounds and roller coasters you’ll see.
I’m a grown woman is that really what’s stirring inside of me?

Come near, lean into the window and look a little closer.
I’m the one because of my mother’s cancer on the emotional roller coaster.

No seat belt, no arm rest, or bars to hold me in place.
My family wants to reach out and help me, but they’re in the same space

Those smiling faces that used to stand and cheer me on,
has turned into troubled faces, with hope and happiness that seem far gone.

I’m climbing up the first hill with no seat belt, and I’m afraid.
Oh no, what to do? I remember…Jesus prayed.

I leave you here it’s time to pull my curtains and close my blinds.
I’ve shared my wounded heart and hope I’ve made an impression on your minds.

One year later as I read this poem, I felt the same fear that held me captive during that 13 month cancer battle with my mom, however  during my moments of reflection, I discovered a beautiful transition that has taken place inside of me. I no longer live in fear of losing my mom, I live with the sure hope of the resurrection and of seeing her again. (John 5:28, 29) I’ve learned that fear can be crippling, but a sure hope is inspiring!  Because of my mom’s example I am motivated to rejoice in the memories of what we had and walk in the legacy she left behind.  What a woman…Monica Florence Jones.

Until we meet again!

52 thoughts on “Reflection”

  1. Loved this. You really captured exactly the fear that I have losing my Mom and Dad this year. Made me cry and also felt very familiar.

    Really brought me back to my own childhood and our annual trip to Cedar Point. The whole family would go….cousins and everyone. In all, about 40 people. We’d always pack a lunch and meet at the picnic tables. Some of the best times of my life.

    Thanks Sister!

    1. Awwwww…thank you! My mom would make the best potato salad and we’d have lunch at the picnic tables too. I’m typing with a smile on my face. My mom didn’t like roller coasters, but my dad did. He would take my brother and I on the biggest coasters. Now that I’m around the same age as he was, I can appreciate the sacrifices they both made. Thank you for emotionally taking me off the roller coaster and over to the picnic area. 😉

  2. I absolutely love this poem it is heart warming and refreshing. This poem was a Rollercoaster to read with my emotions going up and down from happy to sad… However at the end although you did not physically strap yourself in Jehovah held you down and you were protected under his angels wings.

    1. Awwww…thank you Tiffani. You are absolutely right. It’s kind of like being on that roller coaster approaching that first hill and you think to yourself, “what am I doing up here.” Once the ride is over, you don’t know how you made it. That is where I am today…only I know my source of strength came from our Heavenly Father. Thank you for your love and support.

  3. “Wow” Cathy,
    Your poem truly touched my heart. You are such an amazing woman, just like your mom. Thank you for sharing the memories of your joy and pain with your mom. I to look forward to seeing Monica Jones again real soon.

    1. Thank you Linda…My mom left me a blue print to follow. I believe it is worth sharing with others, as well as the pain of the grief process. It does get better with time and hope inspires us to wait with eyes of faith. Thank you for your love and support Linda.

  4. Your thoughts, and poem were beautifully expressed. Thank you so much for opening your once wounded heart to us. The roller coaster ride sure has a long line of passengers with expectations…and many twists and turns along our journey through life. Seeing how you are eagar to lovingly lighten the hearts of others, truly warms my own! You are a blessing and a gift. One your parents and family can be proud of.

    1. Wow Tammy! Love the analogy of the long line of passengers. There are many twists and turns in life just like that roller coaster, when we see other passengers riding with grace or holding on to one another for support, we in someway are encouraged to hold on and wait until the ride is over. We know there is an end in sight. Your kind words is like holding on to another passenger on the coaster. Thank you for your love and support.

  5. Cathy. You are so fortunate to have such a special relationship with your Mom. What a beautiful tribute. Thanks for sharing it with me

    1. Kathy, this is beautiful!! The memories and GOD’S love will always strengthen us. Yes you will see her again!!

      1. Thank you Rosa…blogging has been so therapeutic. It provides a way to share my thoughts and feelings and receive love and support from my friends. Thank you for your support Rosa

  6. You are your mother’s daughter. Monica was so easy to talk to, as are you. “Why am I spilling all my guts out to her?” I would ask myself. Her understanding laugh at my thoughts and her tenacity to let me in when she “was my age….” Made me feel included in her world. Thanks for moving me to reflect on my time with her.

    1. Awww…you’re welcome. Even if her world sometimes came in a screened in tent to keep the bugs out. Those were good times. How I long for them in the future. Thanks for taking the walk down memory lane. Love you.

  7. What Beautiful words. More importantly, what a legacy your mom has left.Thank you for sharing your heart and your mother. I have no doubt that she was smiling as you were telling your story. Stay encouraged my sister. – Roz

    1. Thank you Roz for your words of encouragement and your constant support. She did leave a legacy and I’m trying to walk in it and set a good example for my children as well.

  8. Dear Kathy Mott.. I want to be more personal and call you aunt…your poem was so beautiful that it brought be to tears.. Your poem revealed to me that we don’t have to hide our fears,
    Oh how hurtful it is that Satan hits us with these low tormenting blows
    But your poem also reminded me that Jehovah Knows
    Jehovah is watching and Jehovah cares
    Seeing all these loving comments shows me that through other people Jehovah is always there
    It’s so so comforting that soon Jehovah will wipe our eyes
    Jehovah is already tired of hearing us cry
    This is why we have eachother and together we grow,
    Jehovah teaches us to hold hands with our brothers and to never let go

    I had never known that you write poetry but I was breath taken when I read your poem it really inspired me and brought tears to my eyes.. It was also so so encouraging.. I wish I wrote as good as you my dear
    With Love Lauren 🙂 :*

    1. Thank you Lauren, I’m glad you were moved by my poem. Yes, I write poetry when I’m deeply saddened or hurt, it is a way for me to go inside of myself and discover what is really there. I’m happy to have a forum to share and yes I’m so comforted by all of the loving support I have received. It is truly amazing. As far as writing…grab a pen and a piece of paper and take a moment to see what’s simmering inside of you. I believe you CAN do it;-)

  9. Five years prior to you losing your mom, you advised me to chose a mentor. I chose Monica because of strength, insight, spiritually. Her personality was as strong as mines. She was able to help me keep it together, I miss our talks. May you have continued success in your all that you pursue!

    1. She was an awesome choice for a mentor. Yes, she could stand toe to toe with you Vee. Near the end you became someone she was so excited to see. You brought life into her rehab. room when you entered. Thank you for your love and support along this journey and your continued friendship.

  10. I never got to experience the pleasure of your moms company but just reading these post I see that she sure must have been some kind of women and a wonderful sister. Thank Jehovah that he mends our hearts even before they break he gave us hope before we even knew what hope was or that we would need it. Just from knowing you and how big that heart of yours is, it tells me something about my dear sister. I look forward to meeting her so I too can get to see her special qualities and to say that I love her. For now I get to share that through you and the reflection of her in your ways because she mothered you. I tell ya, she sure has done well

    1. Awwww…thank you Tracey. She really was a wonderful woman. She nurtured me as a child and set me free to discover the world. Because of her love, support, and encouragement I feel free to explore gifts and talents I didn’t always know I had. The most beautiful thing she left me with is a spiritual heritage. That is a priceless gift that only faithful endurance can appropriately say, Thank you Momma!”

  11. As I am now on this same roller coaster with my Mom, your words are encouraging. Each days uncertainties are scary at times. Each days passing gives hope. Thank you for sharing with us your words of encouragement.

    1. Absolutely my pleasure. I know where you are. I can feel it as I type these words. I love you, support you and pray for you and your family. I will pray for your strength, wisdom and courage. Mmmmm Mmmm..that’s long distance hug;-)

  12. What a joy it was to have met, talk to, and study with your mother. She was the true definition of a loving wise woman and im happy to say that she was a character in this chapter of my book we call life. I could never imagine the pain or hurt you and your family have endured with her lost but this sure painted a vivid picture for me. I cried reading this poem because I felt it. The hurt, the confusion,the disappointment, and then a light of hope from what she taught you thru Jehovah’s words (how to pray and everlasting life). To see you and Deloris go thru such a jab and still smile knowing that if you stay faithful to Jehovah that you will see her again is inspiring to say the least. To have had your family in my life is what’s saving me and Jehovah knows it and continues to bring you all to me which is what I need. ive wanted to give up oh so many times ago and im happy he’s holding me thru you all. I love you Kathy and I miss your mom dearly ill continue to fight and study,and progress serving him in hopes of seeing her again……

    1. Awwwww…what beautiful words of encouragement. It has been a blow but we are pressing forward. She really looked forward to her studies with you. You made her last few months special. Thank you for your love and support Tiff.

  13. Thank you for sharing your journey and poem. As I wipe away tears I remember my childhood/youth much like yours, with yearly family vacations laughter and smiles. Our trips were spent on the highway listening to my dads old 8 tracks, memorizing each song, Sam Cook Bobby Bluebland the song Patches was my favorite. We traveled south to visit my grandparents and cousins. We always ate good played hard and rested peacefully at night, because we were all together. Guess that’s where I get my love of the open road I love road trips and good music. It’s been 9 years and I miss my dad like it was yesterday. I know the void you feel. Trust in your faith continue to do great works and let Jehovah give you peace. I love you my friend.

    1. Wow…Melissa. what similarities. It’s amazing how that type of fear can take to you the place of being a child. Sounds like you know what I mean. I wrote from a child’s perspective because I needed my mother. Sounds like you had similar feelings. I love the hope for the future to see our parents again. Thank you Melissa for your love and support.

  14. Cathy, that was beautiful. Straight from your heart to mine. You and your mother had a special relationship unlike no other. It makes me reflect on my relationship with my mom and how precious it is. I’m absorbing everything she has to give me emotionally and spiritually so I can forever remember her and smile. Thanks for sharing and being my dear friend.
    Sheila

    1. Thank you Sheila…Mom’s are a special gift. Cherish every moment like it was your last. The 13 months were difficult, but I’m so happy I had those moments with my mom. I thank you for taking this journey with me. You have been there from the beginning and I appreciate our friendship. You’re my Shero;-)

  15. Hi Cathy,
    I have read your blog….over & over again. Words can’t describe how your thoughts and feelings mirror my mind, heart, and soul! Thank you for putting into words the void I’ve felt since losing my mom and dad. My friend…you are my inspiration.

    1. I hope in some small way it has been of comfort to you on your journey as well. I know this has been a difficult year for both of us. Thank you for your love and support.

  16. One year ago today many lives were changed by the lost of such a beautiful wife, mother, grandmother, great grandmother, and Christian Sister. Cathy, thank you for allowing us to take a glimpse into your world . To share your heartache with others shows the true nature of the woman that you are. Allowing us to see you at your best BUT also see you in your pain. P.H.E.N.O.M.E.N.A.L W.O.M.A.N. –

    1. Awwww…thank you Tammy. I’ve learned the value of giving myself permission to truly grieve and dwell in those emotions. To be able to put them on paper helps me to process and in the process of writing if I can inspire others of comfort others in some small way then I feel truly blessed. Thank you for you love, support, and your friendship.

  17. Wow! What a beautiful poem to share! Another gift we are blessed that you shared with us! As I have told you before, you are a reflection of the great woman your mom was! She left an amazing legacy on earth in her family! Her spirit lives on in her children. I pray her memory will be celebrated daily in your lives until you all meet again! May God continue to bless and give you peace!

    1. Awwww…Thank you KiKi. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t honor her in my own special way. She left me a beautiful gift…this face. Often I look in mirror and I see my mom. What a blessing. Thank you for your love and support.

  18. Cathy,
    Your willingness to be transparent us one of the greatest gifts you give to the world. I remember the entire time of this journey with your Mother. You are a daughter anyone would be blessed to have.
    Thank you for sharing,
    Toni

    1. Awww…thank you Toni, and I could not have made it through without a “ssob” and more importantly a friend like you. You were always there with the “right” words to say, and you always knew when I needed a hug. I thank you for being you. Thank you for your love and support.

  19. As I read this my dear friend I see my Mother and I singing together at my talent show when I was just 10. We sang “You’ll Never Walk Alone” together – A moment I will always treasure. Our Mamas and Daddies never leave us – they just pave the way and wait for us to arrive safely into God’s kingdom where we will be together forever I’m sure your beautiful Mama is there waiting for you and shining down on you today with pride and great love Cathy! You are an amazing woman bringing joy and peace to others everywhere you go! Love and blessings to you Cathy for always brightening my day! Michelle

    1. Thank you Michelle! You always bring a smile to my face. It’s amazing how you can convey such strong feelings via your email. I always feel your love and support whether we are in person, or email and as I start this new venture in my life…I need friends like you;-)

  20. Absolutely beautiful reflection. You made your mother very proud. And she will wake up so happy to see what other things you’ve accomplished while she’s sleeping.

    1. Awww…thank you so much! Her example truly does inspire me. She enjoyed life to the full and she lost her mom when I was just 4. She set a wonderful example for me.

  21. What a beautiful view inside your heart. I truly felt the love and joy of family from youth and the reconnection of it despite sadness. Truly an example of the strength of family. So beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Thank you Donna. It truly is my pleasure to share. I hope in some small way I can help others by sharing a small piece of my grieving process. Thank you for your support.

  22. This was absolutely beautiful! And I look forward to seeing her again. My prayers go out to you and the family as well. She was an amazing women and I appreciate everything that she has done for all of us! I love you! And Jehovah is so good, he will not forget everything she has done for all of us, raising us in the truth and showing us Jehovah. SO THANK YOU SO MUCH AUNTY CATHY! Keep up the good work!

    Love your niece,
    Monique

    1. Awww…thank you MO. She was absolutely amazing. She left us a beautiful legacy to follow. I find joy in watching my family imitate her faith. Thank you for your love and support. It means a lot. Family truly is a gift from our Heavenly Father. Love you.

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